The Gang Goes To Hell

Following the grand IRL meetup of everyone in the "Bastard Containment Zone" discord server, the swirl of chaotic energy from these peoples has caused a giant rift in the fabric of time and space. We join the group in progress.

[The group stands in a small huddle in the street. A large burning Hell portal sits there, spewing smoke and fire. The recently descended archangel Michael takes a step forward and clears his throat]

Michael: Well. Now that we've established this whole thing is all your faults, I'll be sending you to Hell now.

[Luka steps in front of the group, making a big show of their heroism]

Luka: No! I'll take the punishment from them! Go on, send me to Hell, Super Mega Hell, with lots of demons, the worst of the worst, preferably ones with hu-

[They're cut off by the group dragging them back over by their shirt collar. Michael has a horrified look on his face]

Michael: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

[Michael points at the group, their eyes shift around before realizing he's pointing to Kafka]

Kafka: Who? Me?

Michael: Yes. You. You first.

Kafka: Is it the Cheddar's thing?

Michael: Yes it's the Cheddar's thing.

[Michael poofs a lever into existence and flips it. A comically large trap door appears on the ground plummeting Kafka into Super Hell]

Kafka, distantly: Homophobia!

Michael: This isn't even about that!

Kafka, louder and more distantly: Homophobiaaa!!!

[The group murmurs to themselves, wondering who will be next. Wendy averts her eyes and hides behind Luka. Michael walks over and pushes the others aside, grabbing Wendy by the arm.]

Michael: And you. YOU! Don't pretend I haven't read the things you wrote about me. I'm an archangel, I know all your sins. Get in the fucking pit.

[Michael tosses her into the Hell Pit and her echoey shouts can be heard in the distance. The group stares down into the hole their friends just tumbled down.]

Neh: Well I guess I'm next, huh.

Michael: No, you get a pass.

Neh: Me? Why me?

[Neh sneezes]

Michael: I'll let you figure it out.

[Michael checks his watch, because angels totally wear those]

Michael: Good Heaven, look at the time. I'm late for a baptism.

[Michael points menacingly at the group]

Michael: All of you sinful little imps stay right here, I'll be back in an hour. If I catch you running away, I'll make sure you regret it.

[Michael spreads his wings and flies off into the sky, barely dodging a sparking power line. The hole in the ground closes up, and the group stands there unsure of what to do.]

Ash: Like, brooo. We gotta totally get them out dude! This is so not gnarly bro.

Logan: Hold on, Ash why do you sound like that?

Neh: No, this is accurate. Leave it in the script.

[Ash wilts like a dying plant]

Luka: Well he's right, we can't let our friends go to Super Hell!

Logan: It's okay, I know someone who can get us to Hell.

Ash, creeping back to life: Y-you know a person who can send us to Hell?

Logan: Does this surprise you?

[They shrug]

Luka: Alright! Let's go to Hell!

Kyle, who has been standing there the entire time but I forgot to include him: I don't think Kafka or Wendy would approve of you with your devious little mind going to Hell.

Luka: Well they aren't here. Are they? :)

Ash: Bro how the fuck did you make an emoji out loud bro?

[Neh sighs and reaches into his jacket, pulling out a loaded M1911]

Logan: Wait, how do you have a gun?

Neh: Shut up! None of this is real! Let's get going so this fucking story can continue!

[The group makes their way off to find the person Logan mentioned, the person who can help them get to Super Hell. Lightning crackles in the distance as they arrive… at Red's front door.]

[Scene transition to later.]

Red chills on her couch, sipping an oversized coffee mug and raising an eyebrow]

Red: You want my help getting you to Hell?

Logan: Well Red, you see, you're the only person I could think of who-

Red: Oh I wasn't saying no, I meant I was flattered!

Ash: Sweet dawg! Radical!

Red: I know a ritual that can get you peeps there. But I'll need a few things first.

[Quick montage of the group running around town collecting various items from secondhand stores and dumpsters.]

[Cut back to Red's apartment. They've drawn mystical runes across the floor and created an elaborate summoning circle consisting of Victory Gundam DVDs, citrus scented candles, a Candy-O cassette tape by The Cars, a small mound of assorted non tang cutlery, and Kat's copy of Fire Emblem 3 Houses]

Luka: Why do we need all this again?

Red: Trust me, it's all absolutely necessary for the ritual.

[Red flips on a pair of cool aviator sunglasses and grabs a boombox, she inserts a CD of the Top Gun original soundtrack and begins blasting Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone. On the floor a rift in space and time appears, leading to Hell]

Red: I'll stay here and keep the portal open for yalls. Bring back any werewolves or transformation spells, okay?

[The group waves goodbye and leaps into the portal one by one. They fall out onto the pavement of a road. They look around, the sky is still blue and it looks like they're in the middle of some dilapidated town. Nearby is a man sitting beside a trash can fire.]

Ash: We did it bro! We made it to Hell! Kowabunga!

Logan: Are we sure this is Hell? It looks a lot like Earth.

[Neh casually walks up to the man and waves]

Demon: [Speaking Polish]

Neh: Yeah we're here.

[The demon turns into his true form and lets out a screech. Neh points his AutoMag IV and shoots the demon in the face. The demon falls over and begins to disintegrate.]

Demon: Kurwaaa!

Logan: Neh didn't you have a different gun earlier?

Neh: I complained so I got a retcon.

[The group makes their way to Neh's house and goes into the basement.]

Luka: The door to the second layer of Hell has been in your basement this whole time?

Neh: Where else would it be?

[The group shrugs. Suddenly a ghost materializes out of the air, Ash leaps away in fear and lands comedically in Logan's arms like Scooby-Doo]

Ash: L-L-Like ZOINKS man! That's a ghost!

Logan: Why is this Scooby-Doo now? How did we get to this?

Ghost: [Speaking Polish]

Neh: [Speaking Polish]

Luka: What are they saying?

Neh: I don't even know what I'm saying! Wendy doesn't speak Polish! This script is a bunch of gibberish and ŹzŻzŽ sounds!!!

Kyle, who has again been there the entire time but I forgot to include him: Weren't you going to show us the door to Hell?

Neh: Oh, right. It's over there.

[The group looks over at the burning Hell portal that's been just out of view the entire time.]

Luka: Well, time to go!

[Luka sprints toward the portal, twirling their arms around in excitement and leaping inside. The rest of the group sighs and plunges in as well. Soon they find themselves in a dimly lit elevator, they pull a lever and it descends downward into what they assume is the second layer of Hell. The elevator begins to play music, a feisty rendition of Hey Ya! by Outkast. The group subtly taps their feet, enjoying the music, but the elevator ride takes longer than expected and by the 10th loop of the song they're sick of it. Finally the doors open and they step out of the elevator.]

Ash: Bro, is this Hell? It's fucking warm dude, hella. Or… HELLa. Hehe.

Logan: Yeah this looks more like Hell.

[The sky is red and plumes of smoke can be seen in the distance. Faint far away screams of tortured souls can be heard, as well as twisted music undoubtedly being played by demons.]

Neh: Why do I hear Caramelldansen?

[Slowly through the heated smoke, two faint figures begin to emerge, devious evil little gremlins quickly approaching the group.]

Luka: Who is that? A sweet succubus? Finally, living my dreams!

[Luka runs toward the demonic imp-like figures but stops short, terrified by what they see. The smoke clears away and the figures emerge, smiling deviously and speaking in unison.]

Kin and Shark: Welcome to hell!

To be continued...